"oh good you’re awake. can you clean your room and then help me do-"
remember swine flu reblog if ur a tru 2009 kid
People were practically drinking hand sanitizer during that shit
mom: why are you failing all your classes
me: the tests never work on me
me: they call it….
"youve got male!" the computer beeps. you turn around and see that out of nowhere a brand new boyfriend has appeared. computers truly are quite amazing
my life is kind of like when you’re about to sneeze and then don’t
If you knock on my door and I say “yeah” it doesn’t mean “Come on in!” it means “stay where you are and state your business.”
*sexually strokes wall until finding light switch*
What a turn on.
why does everyone say get out when somebody makes a pun dont get out get in here and make more puns
i am perfectly fine with having other people sit on my lap but i can’t sit on other people’s laps because i’m always paranoid that i’d crush them and they’d diE